Sunrise, Sunset, and Full Moon [Long Beach, CA]

 

 

Paradoxical Breathing

 I remember when I first realized that my breathing wasn't like everyone else's. I was in elementary school. Mr. C taught our P.E. (Physical Education), and he educated us about our breath. 

"When we breathe in, our bellies expand, and when we breathe out, our bellies contract," he said with his hand on his belly to demonstrate. "Our ribs expand as we breathe in, and oxygen circulates through our body."

I sat on the gym floor next to all my classmates- criss cross applesauce, as we called it- with my hand on my belly. I took deep breaths, but for some reason, my belly was contracting as I was breathing in, and expanding as I was breathing out. I looked at everyone else having this moment together- the realization of their shared humanness. They connected their minds to their bodies, but I was confused. I felt like the only kid in the gym whose body wasn't breathing like everyone else's.

Mr. C had us do some exercises across the gym, which were always fun. Crab walking, cherry pickers, and running in circles. 

At the end of gym, I walked my 3-foot tall body up to Mr. C and said, "My belly is going in when I breathe in, and going out when I breathe out."

He said something like, "No, it's supposed to be the other way around."

He demonstrated again. I showed him my hand on my belly contracting inward when I breathed in and expanding out when I breathed out.

Gym was over though, and we had to line up to go back to class.

Mr. C probably thought I just wanted to be different. 

Throughout the following weeks, my mind was elsewhere in class. I kept trying to force my belly to go out with inhalation and to go in with exhalation. It was getting exhausting, because it felt like I had to relearn how to breathe, so I finally just forgot about it.

That was until a few weeks ago, when I started doing calisthenics along to Youtube videos. 

"Ok, now lift, inhale. Release, exhale," the workout instructor said in the video.

Again, I noticed my breathing being the opposite of hers. My breath is not always like this anymore, but I catch myself reverting to it almost as a default. 

Today, I decided to look up if this reverse breathing thing is considerable. If it really is something, I would like to learn about the phenomenon and fix it. 

I learned that it is in fact an irregularity. It's called paradoxical breathing. And it's not uncommon. 

It usually forms in response to chronic stress, trauma, anxiety, asthma, or muscular imbalances- especially from early developmental trauma or survival-based living. 

Paradoxical breathing can happen when:

1. Chronic Fight-or-Flight Activation

    -If your nervous system has been in high-alert mode (ex. from childhood trauma or chronic stress), your body developed dysfunctional breathing as a survival adaptation

2. Tension in the Diaphragm or Abdominals

    -The diaphragm may be tight or weak, and the accessory muscles (neck, chest, shoulders) are doing all the work, flipping your natural breath rhythm.

3. PTSD and Body Disconnection

    -Trauma can cause a disconnection from the body. You may have unintentionally avoided deep belly breathing to "not feel" emotions trapped in the gut area.

4. Postural Issues/ TMJ:

    -Neck tension or spine misalignment can also restrict proper diaphragmatic movement, forcing the body into compensatory patterns.

There are ways to fix paradoxical breathing. Some of these ways include somatic breathwork, myofascial release for diaphragm and core, nervous system regulation, and voice or singing work.

I have wanted to get vocal lessons to reclaim my voice for the past year. I realized that practicing my voice in a positive environment would unlock my fear of singing in front of people. In my experience, singing and vocal work have been a very underutilized tool that has the great possibility to activate and strengthen my throat chakra. 

In other words, empowerment.

Rebuilding the woman I am today is no small feat. But with that said, I am still choosing to love myself right now. I stopped fighting to perfect myself so I can be worthy of love. I spent too many years waiting until I was perfect to give myself the love I deserve. Ironically, the moment of achieving perfection never comes. The only moment is the now, and in this moment- again, the only moment- I choose to love myself and treat myself like I'm whole, because I am.

I intend to be fully engaged in the present moment and to do the next right thing. I will not get caught up in trying to get somewhere before I love myself or allow myself happiness.

Stay present, notice things about your body, and get curious enough to explore it.

I hope you, too, open the door to deeper understanding, healing, and connection with yourself. Breath is the beginning of everything.

Sometimes when we worry about a situation, it is a substitute for responsible action.

A passage from The Answer is You by Michael Bernard Beckwith:

Sometimes when we worry about a situation, it is a substitute for responsible action. We fool ourselves into thinking that if we are worrying, it means we are analyzing the situation until we get a sense of direction. Worry is not an empowering response. Worry is a rehearsal we conduct to prepare our reaction to what we fear might happen. Oh my god please don't let this happen! We desperately cry. But just in case. Toxic chemicals spill into our nervous system blocking our receptivity to the inner guidance and insights that would lead us out of what we're stuck in. 

In contrast, affirmative placeholder is a tap on your shoulder that says Hey now's the time to pull up that insight you had last week about how life is on your side supporting you, carrying you, cheering you on. Remember life is trustworthy because Spirit is trustworthy. and affirmative mindset expands our ability to see creative responses to our challenges. It enables us to take actions that result in the highest outcomes for all concerned.

This reminds me of two weeks ago, when I was flying a plane for the first time with my CFI (certified flight instructor), I was so nervous. Since we were flying out of Santa Monica, there were small mountains on the north west. There have been so many aviation accidents lately that I became worried my situational awareness was playing tricks on me. 

“Are we gonna hit that mountain?” I asked my CFI, a little panicked.

“No. The mountains are over there, we’re here. Don’t panic. If Luke’s engine caught fire and he was going down, you wouldn’t hear him screaming on the radio. You would hear him calmly say ‘Mayday Mayday.”

The moral of the story is never panic. Stress makes your brain unable to think properly and process information. What you’re stressing over can materialize when you’re handing over your mental reins to anxiety.

On the flip side, affirm to yourself that you are picking the lens of love, gratitude, and calm self-assurance today. 

Watch how everything works out for your best good. Things fall into place, you're creative, unbothered, radiant. But why isn't this a default for humanity?

Perhaps domestication has created fears and shames that are not yours, but these negative beliefs are suckling vitality through you. Negative beliefs will do anything to keep themselves alive. They distort reality and drain your energy.  Your mind is a logical system, therefore it will find all the evidence it needs to back up this negative belief. Beliefs are living energies, and just like us, they self-preserve. That's why you feel stuck. It's nothing more than a negative belief try to self-preserve through any means necessary; it just so happens to be using your fears, anxiety, and stress to do so.

It is up to you, an all powerful being, to say, 

"I choose not to act from a place of learned behaviors. I choose to slow down. All the generational curses die with me today. I choose to do nothing if it's not from a place of love, calmness, and self-assurance. I no longer care about how other's perceive me, because I know with the whole of my being, my greatest asset is being lovingly present in the now."

Try it for yourself, run a little experiment. What would happen if you chose to reframe all the typical negative beliefs you carry day to day by affirming to yourself that life always works out for you. Insert any negative belief you have been carrying, no matter how heavy, and see what happens when instead you choose to act from a place of love and possibility.

Beyond Fault

10:30 A.M. Sunny Clear 

Shuk! A tennis ball flies through the air. 

My chug, Georgie, hurls himself after it. He dodges the waves, gallantly chasing the ball. 

Everyone cheers the little dog on. He maneuvers the whitewash with grace. How can you not be impressed?

Shuk! Shuk! Shuk! One ball after the next. George body surfs the waves in, ball in mouth, effortlessly. His sausage-like body gliding through the ocean is mesmerizing.

We- Georgie, Brian, and I- head back home, walking down Ocean Avenue, smiling at strangers. 

I see an older woman watering her petite garden in the square, cementless base of a city palm tree. 

I've seen her before.  

I don't know how to describe her. 

Frail- maybe. Delicate- not.

Three months ago, I overheard her scolding her husband, "Someone’s dog took a big shit right on our walkway!" I walked by, ironically with my two dogs, and said, "Hello!" 

In a singsong voice, she said, "Oh hi!" 

Fake. 

That kind of energy imprints itself.

People who aren't authentic stain my brain. It's indelible, irreversible. 

I couldn't forget it if I tried.

But I believe in love and kindness. Those virtues triumphed over my ego- not an easy feat- so they must have a greater power beyond me.

So she's watering her small garden, her crooked body holding a watering can, and I say, "I like your plants!"

She didn't hesitate to say something negative back. A lifetime of giving negativity the mic.

"Thanks! If only I could keep people from stealing them!"

I stop; this is too juicy. There are only 7 plants there. 

"Stealing them?" I ask earnestly. 

She’s got me, and she knows it.

"I come out and I just find holes. I tried planting the cheapest plants, but I came out to water them, and they're just gone."

A lifetime lived through the lens of being wronged. 

She strikes me as a justice person—the type that remembers every wrong done to her, and keeps score by planting marigolds.

"Maybe you just need so many plants that you won't notice if someone took one," I offer.

Practicality is my thing. I see the world through the lens of agency—whether I have the means to fix something, or have to invent a new way.

She smiles. Genuinely. I like that. 

I wave goodbye.

“You’ve got your troops out!” she lightly calls after me, with a little laugh.

All I hear is “troops." 

“Yeah!” I shout instinctively, raising a fist in the air before my brain catches up.

ICE agents had been on the beach earlier, and it rattled me. I stand up for our brothers and sisters.

I keep walking, thinking about behavior, pride, and how in awkward, uncertain moments, we all want something to stand behind. Something to feel proud of. Even if it’s just our little dog troops.

And suddenly, I feel something strange—sympathy for post-war Germans. That shameful, frayed nationalism that seeps in when people are desperate, the economy’s broken, and nothing feels certain. That blind need to feel strong.

It takes real strength to resist that. To choose kindness. Love.

Anyone can fall into rage, into blame. Anyone can commit atrocities when no one’s watching. But it takes a brave human to rise above that—to look your fear in the face and say, No. Not today. I choose love.