My Return to Saturn
Illuminated old patterns
The rain outside
Pouring this mourning
Doesn’t come close
To the grief I feel
Inside of me
29 years
Of being groomed to hide
The sickness of narcissistic
Family dynamic
The first time I spoke up
For what I did and didn’t want
I was pushed out the car
By the same man that used to ask
Me, “Why are you so beautiful?”
And I’d reply, “Because of God.”
I have the scar
On my right knee
My leg split open
I watched it bleed
And in that moment
I learned having
my own opinion
Is not safe for me
“I’m not a violent man,
I’m driven to violence,”
He would say
And I would pretend to believe it
Nod my head and say, “Okay.”
He wanted me until then,
Until I said
I didn’t want to go somewhere
With him
So he raged on a 7 year old
But once I saw
The hero he was not,
I opened Pandoras box
So he discarded me
No more use for me,
Now that I’ve seen too much
My Return to Saturn
Has illuminated deep patterns
I asked my mom
Would I ever have children?
She told me I was too selfish
To have kids of my own
She brutally described childbirth
Like a hot knife ripping
you open
Plus she told me
My ovaries were broken
Just enough detail
Just enough lie
to make me doubt
That I was even capable of
Having kids in my life
My Return to Saturn
Has illuminated painful patterns
Like the pitbull
tied to her kitchen table
She’s kept me on a financial cable
I now know why
I’m tied to you,
So I can be close
enough to abuse
You fooled me into believing
That gratitude means
Silence in the face of
Of violence
In your world,
If you pay for something,
You own the right to violate me
When I tried to bond with you
Or sought comfort from you
It got weaponized against me
Every word I spoke
Became ammunition
and dirt you rubbed against me
You taught me not to speak up
For my needs
To keep my head down
Let you do as you please
After an explosion
the next day is back to normal
as if nothing happened
Until I need something
Then it’s back to the floor on my knees
Begging you and saying please
"Please don’t do this to me
I’ll do what you want
I’ll let you spew hate at me
But I’m in a bind financially
And can’t you please
just send me some money"
And then I hear
“That’s all you ever want from me
You just use me for money
You abuse me financially”
And I play along because
you believing that I believe that-
Or at least you thinking
I feel guilty for my existence
and have to beg for your forgiveness-
Is safer than me ever coming to
You for something emotional,
God forbid I ask you for advice,
I’ve made that mistake more than twice
You told me a manifactured lie
And I lost everything I’d ever
worked for in my life
I see now you’ve
groomed me to accept
abuse in return
For chum bits of money
Resources that you hoard
Dad pretending like he’s poor
7 Harleys, 1 Indian, 10 cars, 3 properties
Yet his daughter gets EBT
Drives an unsafe car
And has to beg him for money
Meanwhile she’s not
invited to his life of luxury
To his Christmas yacht parties
with his motorcycle club
Because that would mess everything up
If the club saw me doing well
You couldn’t keep up your
martyr narrative of a poor father
With the drug addict daughter
The old sob story you sell
My Return to Saturn
Has illuminated sad patterns
Like how Christmas
is never on Christmas
Maybe the day before,
maybe the day after
I don’t get a say
If Dad spends his holiday
With us
Because I already know
10 times out of 10
If it’s up to him,
He’ll pick overtime pay
Even though you
locked me out on my birthday
Tried to take off on Thanksgiving
Before I could get there
And I pulled up just as you
were rushing out the door
This Christmas is different
Because I see patterns now
I see the same thing
playing on repeat
I see the calculated pain
You inflict on me
Just to say
That I’m so ungrateful
And you’re so ashamed of me
I’ve let you betray me enough
I’m not sorry that me standing up
Is less dramatic than you’d like
A stonewall of silence
Is my choice of weapon
even though
you want a fight
When I was a child
Every Sunday
My prayer request would be
That my mom
Would stop saying cruel things to me
I looked for security in the wrong place
I was poisoned more than once
I’ve had bruises on my face
I've been systematically slandered
To the local police
Because when Dad smashed my face
and beat me, he didn’t want to lose his job
But the next door neighbors heard me screaming
So they called 911
So quickly he devised the perfect plan
He’d pull out his phone and film my reaction
And tell the cops I was on drugs
But when that worked, and he knew it would,
Because he’s a fireman,
upright and good
He still needed to take care of me
Silence me so I would never speak
A few calculated lies should
smother and soften my self worth
As long as he
Gaslighted good
and gaslighted often
I would be too busy doubting my reality
To ever speak up to authorities
And to be safe-
He had to be calculated
Just in case he ever got interrogated-
So he called the local police department
Every couple of years
To tell them I was a drug addict
And mentally ill,
Anyone with ears to hear
My Return to Saturn
Has illuminated some patterns
Now when I see them
I am no longer able
To accept my place
As the pitbull
tied to the table
When I feel sadness
I will not try to stifle it
I’ve gotten my licenses
And my profession in order
So I will never have to ask
The resource hoarders
For anything again
And when I see abuse plain as day
I won’t deny it, I’ll make a note of it
A paper trail record
Keeps the lies at bay.
I no longer bear the
shame of their secrets
If something’s amiss,
I’ll speak up
Because
My Return to Saturn
Has illuminated the patterns
And I am the generational
Curse breaker
Incarnated to bring light
to darkness